Trials and Blessings

Why is it that I only feel blessed once a trial is over? I take my little life too much for granted!

During the summer Pete and I decided to put our house up for rent since it wasn't selling. It was just a matter of weeks before we had three single ladies that were local teachers who wanted a house to rent. We are very lucky. We know they will take great care of our house.

Since someone was moving in, we needed somewhere to move to as well. We asked Pete's mom if we could move in with her for the school year. Pete will finish his ESTEC degree in the spring. After that we need to be opened to the idea to move somewhere else. Moving in with Sue would be the easiest!

During the packing I found out that I was pregnant! To be honest I was not thrilled. I had decided that my three children were all I needed. Adding another ball to juggle would really be hard on me. Besides working full time, I have to be a mom to my three kids, and we are planning to move this spring. HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS!!!

After the move was done, I had started back to work after summer break, at 12 weeks I finally went to the Doctor for the first check up. Everything went down hill from there.

We found out that the baby had Cystic Hygroma, Hydrops, and it had a 1 and 24 chances of having Turner's syndrome. It wasn't good. We were immediately told to go to a specialist in Salt Lake City.

After our appointment Pete and I felt better. It had been a scary 24 hours. Lots of speculation. I had cried and cried. I felt very guilty for having such terrible feelings about being pregnant.
The specialist told us that with the combination of all of the complications our baby wouldn't live to the see the third trimester of the pregnancy.

We had a big secret. We didn't tell anyone, except family. But I never told my kids. I was so worried that it would be too hard on them.

This past Monday we found out that the baby had died. I was 15 weeks. My appointment to be induced was scheduled for Wednesday (yesterday). Pete and I took the day off and sat in a hospital room for 9 hours. It was hard day emotionally, but physically it wasn't bad.
Due to the fact they didn't have to worry about the baby's health, I could take heavy drugs to help with the pain. My water broke around 1:30 and the baby came out around 3:30...they had to do some other cleaning, then we were told we could go home.

The nurse I was assigned to was wonderful. She had been in Labor and Delivery for 29 years. She told me that sometimes she requests these types of deliveries. She's good at it. She knew just what to say...and when to make me smile. After the baby was out she offered Pete and I the chance to look at it. I was TERRIFIED...but it was okay. The baby was 3 inches and 15 grams. It had a slight deformation on it's back, due to the Cystic Hygroma, but other than that, it looked like a little mini baby.
The nurse gave me a pink blanket and blue teddy bear to bring home. (The baby was too small to tell the sex) There was also some printed material.

Now that the experience has past. I am grateful that the baby had died earlier in the pregnancy. I can't imagine losing a baby that had grown far enough along to be viable. A stillborn would have been tragic. My loss is considered a miscarriage...however it is still hard.

I did tell my kids. I told them a few days before I was scheduled to be induced. They got all excited about the idea of having another baby. It was like they had missed the info about it being sick and dying. The next morning the topic came up again and I had to repeat that the baby's heart had stopped beating. I'm lucky they are so small and don't reflect on the negative part of the problem but the happiness of it. They made me a card and bought me some candy. I was greeted with lots of hugs after it was all done.

I have a wonderful support system. I am lucky to have two wonderful mother's who want to be involved and will bend over backwards to help.

Now I get to move on. I get to concentrate on the positives of my life. I get to help with homework, piano practicing, making healthy dinners, and doing my best at work.
I am excited for our move this spring. If Pete finds a job here, at least we will have a house to move back into, if not, then we get to start a new adventure. I'm looking forward to a fresh start.

Kristen